Thursday, May 28, 2009

Neediness: I am not a fan.

Pin It Let me start by saying I am in no way or no how complaining about anyone other than ME in this post!! I want to make that clear, because having people offer to help me is a HUMONGOUS blessing! Especially when I look back a few years and remember a period of time in which I spent way too much time and money in a certain store because the clerks there would talk to me, when I had no friends. Of course they did, I was single-handedly paying their salaries! Pathetic, huh? This post is not about that, but before I even start typing, I wanted to say that I know what it's like to not have a support system, which makes me appreciate the fabulous one I have now all the more.

The point of this post is coming, I promise.

Every time I go to church, about five different people tell me to call them if I need anything. Today I had to go to Walmart. Two people in there told me to call them if I need anything. Three people have told me that they want to coordinate the needs we have for us.

WOW. I am blown away by this. The thing is - I know every single person who has told me this means it, completely. I am SO blessed, and I know it. I am so touched that people would really be willing to do what they can to help us out. I haven't ever been loved on in this manner. At first I was thinking that people were just saying that, but no, that's not the case. THEY MEAN IT. I''m not kidding when I say I'm blown away by it. After my conversation with a man at walmart today, I had to go hide behind and aisle to just cry for a minute. I do not deserve this kindness!

It feels funny to me. A dear friend who is probably reading this asked me last week if I actually would let people know about needs I had. That's where it gets difficult. I'm just now at the point where I can ask someone for help with the kids for a couple of hours without feeling guilty about it. And even for that, I ask people for whom I can return the favor.

I just have a hard time asking for help. Why is that? I know why it is.

It's a PRIDE issue. I want to be a "together" person and not need help, and yet I'm in a place where I KNOW I'm going to need help and will have to ask for it. Not only that, we are MADE to need other people. I've heard sermons about that recently, and countless people have made reference to that fact in both casual conversation and in specific words to me. It's okay to not be completely self-sufficient, actually it's a good thing to rely on others from time to time. Oh, but it's hard.

The Lord and I are dealing with my pride problems. Especially when the realization hit that I don't necessarily want to BE perfect, I just want YOU to think I am. Ouch, that hurts! It doesn't even work -- I seriously doubt anyone who reads this blog holds ANY illusion of perfection on my part. It doesn't even make sense either. I don't think badly of people who need my help with one thing or another, so why on earth would I think that people would think badly of me? Craziness.

I know this is kind of a rambling post. I figure it will be kind of interesting to read through this whole journey at some point in the future, so it's good to document it all as the Lord is working on me through it.

Again -- if you're one of the people who has offered help to me, I thank you. I am so blessed!


Becky said...

No words, just tears. I'm sure you understand...

gina m said...

I don't think anyone who knows you would think for a second that you don't appreciate the support people are giving you. We know you too well for that.

This post reminds me of the old saying, "Admitting you have a problem is the first step." You know where you are right now, and so does the Lord. We know you don't have it all together; however, we can see that you are coping the best you can, and that you're doing better than a lot of people would do.

I want you to know that I'm not here if you need me: I'm here WHEN you need me. The time will come, and it will come more than once in the next year. All it takes is a call, and I'm there.

Love you, praying for you, and empathizing...been there.

melanie said...

Becky, actually I was remembering Sunday school from way back when while typing this. Gosh, it may have been just you and Carol and me at that time ... Plainly evident that this is a long time struggle, and not for just me. :} So glad He still works on us, and can take something from five years ago and sink it in like it was a conversation from yesterday.

Gina {{{hug}}} love you girl. You're on my "can see my house dirty" list. :-P (Yeah, I get that makes this whole post rather ironic.)

little castle said...

I can so relate to this. As you know, I hit some very difficult times-completely overwhelming to me actually times-a few years ago. My pride took huge hits during all of it. I am not sure I would not have made it through had I not let people help me. It has become one of the sweetest forms of fellowship (for me) to accept someone walking alongside of me now that I have become comfortable with it. I hope you will let others walk alongside of you. It will build intimacy between you/them and you and your kids will be better for it. Hugs to you dear friend. You rock!

little castle said...

I am not sure I *would* have made it through...that is. Sorry, to late to be thinking AND typing. ;o

Michael Paine said...

Don't ever ask for my help...because I can't imagine you not being perfect! LOL I love you and what is it about us crazy women who think we have to be put together all the time. We need to revolt and get out in our jammies! What do you say?