Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Hitting a Bloggy Wall

Pin It I've started a post several times and keep deleting it because it either doesn't sound right, or it sounds stupid, or it just feels like I'm not getting across what I want to say.

People keep asking me how I'm doing ... Honestly I can't usually answer that. There is a lot of ugliness in me that I'd prefer everyone not knowing about. (Okay, so yeah, let's post it on my BLOG!) I'm glad that the Lord is still working on me, and that His grace is sufficient for me. I know this, but I've been seriously lacking in the "relying on that grace" department. Without relying on the Lord, we all have various coping mechanisms that we use when life gets stressful. I've found myself going into those same patterns lately. To be honest, I think part of it is a fear that if I DO rely on the Lord, He's going to point out my lack of submission, and tell me to grow up and get over it. I know that sounds a lot more like MY voice than HIS, but I don't think I'm at a place where I can just let it go yet.

I do keep thinking that I'm not being very submissive, either to the Lord or to my husband here. More honestly, I don't have the first clue what submission looks like in this case. Am I supposed to be "I can't change this, so I need to make the best of it?" Or have a big shout-fest, get it all out, and then move on from there? Or stuff my feelings down, and really just rely on the Lord to patch things up afterwards? I don't know, and the fact that I don't know how to handle it is yet another factor that's shaking me up about it all because it's making me question some areas of my faith that I thought were sufficiently nailed down.

Well, there's more to this, but there seem to be small people around here who want me to do things for them, so I should close for now. We'll call this part a, and I'll get part b up later.

1 comment:

MamaJ said...

I would be surprised if there wasn't any "ugliness" rearing its head! The next few months are going to be a big adjustment for you guys! I vote for a big (private)shout-fest, then start letting God do His work in you while Jim is away. I am sure He has some plans for you during this time. It's usually just when we think we have it "nailed down," that God asks us for more. More faith, more trust, more submission. Hang in there! Praying for you!